chibimonnie: (calvin- don't panic)
chibimonnie ([personal profile] chibimonnie) wrote2011-09-22 07:36 pm

Sneak Attack

I had forgotten that anxiety attacks can be as sneaky as ninjas. I was driving to the dojo this evening, various thoughts floating through my brain, when one in particular began to flail: WRITING! Which led to GRAD SCHOOL! Which led to THESIS! Which, in turn, led back to WRITING! So then, all the other troublesome thoughts joined in: DATING! CAREER! CAR! FINANCES! ECONOMY! GRAD SCHOOL! THESIS! WRITING! Needless to say the rest of the drive (through rush hour traffic on streets undergoing repair) was awful. By the time I made it to the dojo my head was pounding, I was nauseous, blood pressure was through the roof, and I was on the verge of tears. I told Pat that I wouldn't be staying, turned around and drove back home.

I am, once again, questioning my life. What the fuck am I doing at Prudential? Can I leave? Should I leave? I've taken on ass-loads of new responsibilities but am not being compensated accordingly. However, the economy is in the shitter and is going to take years to recover. Am I going to be stuck humping a corporate job, barely making ends meet? I put my dreams on hold for the sake of practicality and now I can't even remember what those dreams were. What are my dreams now?

I put my toes back in the dating pool and I'm ready to run off again. Why? Because I'm terrified of meeting somebody I'll care about. I am so scared of falling in love and having my heart ripped out of my chest again. I am such a coward.

A couple of episodes of How I Met Your Mother later and I feel calmer. No tears and no racing heart anyway. But I feel crappy about missing aikido tonight. I'll be busting my ass on Sunday morning, that's for sure.